Contributor Notes
I think the coming together of Idle Hands is a nice example of how fun and complicated the genesis of a story can be. I had been reading a variety of interesting things (Finks, by Joel Whitney, and other articles discussing the CIA Cold War involvement with the arts; Adam Kotsko’s Neoliberalism's Demons: On the Political Theology of Late Capital and The Prince of This World, and one of my favorites: The Master and Margarita by Mikhail Bulgakov). I knew I wanted to write about it all, it being something about those books together. I wanted it all to be a part of a single thing. And that thing, I knew, was a story. I didn’t want to re-explain all the things the authors of those books already said or to engage in a debate with them. I didn’t want to name the thing itself, I wanted to make something of my subjective experience of those works and live it in a story. Another factor was my interest in the experience of reading texts or even being in conversations that are not completely transparent to me (something common to me as an immigrant, or as a reader of texts that are not catering to people in my background). There is something that happens in my brain that I really enjoy when I encounter references or paragraphs that are just out of reach, that I can’t fully access. I love how I navigate and create meaning to fill the gaps. Somehow all of this and more came together when I wrote Idle Hands, and in the end I felt that this was it. This was what had been brewing, and it was a wonderful feeling to see it realized.
Enjoy this experimental piece!
~Ananda Lima
Dear Amanda,
Thanks for sharing your draft of “Idle Hands” with us.
It was nice seeing a story with some real people in it (the first of your stories in this workshop with no writers). So far, it is my favorite of your submissions, and I feel it could be just the beginning of work that has a more universal appeal.
I think the Walmart-like setting is interesting, it evokes a place that is immediately familiar. I very quickly see the large warehouse space, the plain, polished concrete floors, the repeated pattern of fluorescent lights high above. I liked that description of the symmetry of the shelves containing a cacophony of bright plastic products and packaging. It got me thinking of the incongruity of all the disparate logos and colors, somehow contained within the regularity of the corridors and the repeating store signs (“always in that navy blue”) labelling each section, and that reassuring repetition of the “Everyday Low Price” mantra. I wonder though if people who had been working there for a while would really pause at that stage in their employment to notice such things (wouldn’t it all become familiar and somewhat invisible to them?). But I do think this idea of an organized chaos is interesting, and could be a nice metaphor for the necessary work still to be done in this story: maybe finding a more structured way to present the many threads you have here might be beneficial.
One possible source for a tighter structure could be the use of the fact that the events take place in the days leading up to Black Friday. That date creates a time pressure (good job on setting that clock up). But I think you can make more use of the countdown as a frame. If you do that, maybe you can get rid of the memos. I think they don’t add much to the main storyline and feel a little awkward, like an author’s attempt to be quirky, rather than an organic part of the story.
Maybe instead, you could use that memo space to develop the relationship between Maggie and Matt, which is more promising. There are a few nice moments. For example:
“What Clark had sensed when he came in, before she saw him, was gone. Her shoulders relaxed, she smiled and moved over a few inches, making space for him. He sat down next to her. She looked down at her packed sandwich, her fingers managing to indent further the already thin soggy bread. Matt thought of the coupons he had just put in the display pocket glued to the full sized cardboard cutout woman in the bread aisle. He had thought nothing of the sandwich pictured in the ad that morning. But now he wanted it. Not what they had in the store, the one in the picture, to give it to Maggie. Her nails were short and unvarnished, an unprotected pale pink. She tore her sandwich apart, offering him half. They ate in a comfortable silence. She made a little noise with her throat, as if agreeing to something he had said. But they hadn’t spoken. Their eyes met, then she turned back to her sandwich, blushing a little. He moved his leg slightly, as if accidentally, so that it just touched hers.”
There is potential for something there (even if the prose and details could be tightened). But then we trail off onto the memo business. Maybe spend more time on these scenes between the two of them instead, since their relationship seems to be the heart of the story.
I wasn’t sure about the cat. It didn’t seem that believable to me. It felt cliché somehow (black cat, the bodega cat, etc.). I have seen that before. I doubted Walmart (or its proxy) would allow a black cat to be hanging out in the storage room like that. And that scene where Emanuel thinks the cat is talking to him, well, I think you were going for humor? But I am not sure it lands.
Of the minor characters, I liked Mr. D. best, but I do wonder, other than functioning as a sounding board to the two love birds, if he really has a significant role in the narrative?
I hope you keep working on this type of story. You seem to be figuring some things out here.
Best of luck,
Joanne
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Workshop - “Idle Hands”
Critique by Paula Francis
In “Idle Hands” a cast of workers in an unnamed large department store prepare for the upcoming Black Friday sale. Over the course of several days, interpersonal relationships develop and tensions between the base level associates and the middle managers increase, as they try to follow the “suggestions” sent via memorandum by an invisible upper management. There is a budding romance between two associates (Matthew and Maggie), as well as a contentious friendship between Emanuel and Clark. The latter culminates on a tense disagreement, soon before the doors open for the Black Friday event. Possibly, this disagreement was “the last drop,” so to speak, leading Clark to go ahead and execute his plan to do a gruesome art installation involving goldfish (despite Mr. D having tried to gently dissuade him of his plans). The story ends with customers pushing on the doors from the outside, as they count the seconds for the Black Friday sale to start.
Some of the interactions between Clark and Emanuel (and of both characters separately with Mr. D) were effective. In particular, the conversation on the logic of placements in the personal hygiene section (which had to remain hypothetical, given those decisions were made in a corporate setting far away from this local store), and the ongoing discussion on whether or not Clark had free will. Clark and Emanuel’s mutual decision that they should resolve their differences in “a civilized fist fight off premises” also worked. So did the challenging (impossible?) task of finding a time when both Emanuel and Clark were off duty to schedule the fight. That shared purpose effectively gave the story the opportunity to have them get along better for a while, and end up replacing the fight that failed to materialize by a plan to get high in the storage room together (I wonder if that had been Mr. D’s goal all along or if that was unintentional. Perhaps that could be made clearer).
Mr. D.’s mediation throughout was also interesting. We get the feeling that he is an old wise man type, having worked there for the longest time (by “not getting too many raises and keeping a low profile,”) and has a somewhat “mystical” vibe (“Matt tried not stare at his eyes, which were of slightly different colors: one honey brown, almost green, and the other darker”; “when he turned around, there was Mr. D., standing there, ready for the question” ; “The fine hairs on the nape of Maggie’s hair stood up. It was not what Mr. D. said, but that moment when he looked at her with his mismatched eyes. It was then she knew she would do it and it felt like she were just performing a role that had been decided for her somewhere far away, before the whole thing had even begun” ; and “but Mr. D was calm, a faint smile on his face, a trace of a hum only Matt could hear, as if he already knew what would happen when the doors opened, and all would be as it should, according to some grand plan only Mr. D knew.” etc.).
The main issue here is that there are too many story lines for such a short story, making it so you don’t have enough space to develop any of them fully. I think you should focus on the Emanuel-Clark thread, which would make the goldfish scene even more impactful. Minimize the role of the other characters or scratch them all together. Keep Mr. D., but maybe don’t involve him as much.
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Lovely Amanda,
I really enjoyed reading your story! I loved the shenanigans of Emanuel and Clark! That scene where they are high taking inventory and Clark passes out and Emanuel talks to the cat! So fun! Such a barely hidden bromance with those two, you can tell that they secretly adore each other! I also love how everyone keeps chasing the cat and never manages to catch it. And the thing between Maggie and Matt is sweet!
I just wanted more about these characters, their wants and desires, their fears. What were they like before the prep for Black Friday began? Especially Maggie. I don’t really get a sense of who she is so I don’t fully understand her decision in the end. Also, a bit more development there would make her relationship with Matt even more touching.
Also, maybe some of the observations on the store (the setting, the procedures etc) could be thought from Matt’s pov (since he is new and thus more prone to noticing things). Some of that can also be delivered to him as part of his orientation (along with those hilarious right-to-work videos), or by Mr. D. as he is always sharing his bits of wisdom anyway (btw, I love how there is this possibility that Mr. D. is totally sly, and sometimes uses reverse psychology! He is a lot of fun. Maybe give him more space on the page?)
The other major thing for me was the goldfish stuff :-O. Maybe a little too gruesome? I know we don’t see anything happen on screen… but still. We kind of know that when the Black Friday crowd comes in, someone is bound to turn one of the blenders on. Too much, no?
But still, this was a super fun read. You have improved so much as a writer even within the weeks of this workshop! And I am sure it will only get better as you continue developing! Cannot wait to see where you take things.
<3
Jennifer
P.s.: I think this is your last story for this session and I wanted to say it has been an absolute pleasure! You are such a sweetie and always so supportive! Thank you so much for your advice on my last story. I wanted to let you know that it was picked up by Ploughshares! I submitted it before workshop, so I didn’t get the chance to make any of all those changes generously offered by the class (The Ploughshares editors only made two changes, which were typos, lol! I was so embarrassed)... but still! Thanks for all the suggestions! I may announce it in class, but I wanted you to be the first to know.
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Hi Amanda,
Here is my critique of “Idle hands.”
What is working: The setting (Walmart provides a familiar and contained universe for the story. We feel trapped, like the characters). The subtle love story (they are cute/sweet… though maybe try turning the heat up between the two of them and see what happens (eg. what if they finally got down in the storage room? And what if Emmanuel and Clark walk in right then and finally manage to get the black cat? I don’t know, I think it could be interesting to consider such what-ifs). Clark’s descent into derangement was also great (the whole thing from him finally stealing the goldfish to his speech (internal or to Mr. D? not clear) to the placing of the fish in the appliances).
What could be worked on: the memos, the veiled commentary on the anti-union propaganda (which is not really surprising given the Walmart setting), some of the sober discussions between Emanuel and Clark. I.e., the political and philosophical stuff. Those sections are too abstract and essayistic. It feels as if there is an agenda there. Maybe stick to the sensorial/ concrete and either imply or let go of some of the more abstract stuff.
Cheers,
Mitch
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Hey Amanda,
Thanks for your story. There were some things I really enjoyed here:
● the tenderness of the way Maggie and Matt cared for each other, in contrast with the procedural nature of tasks required for Matt’s orientation;
● the sense of precarity in the workers (e.g. the stories about people who had been fired, etc.)
● the way in which everyone is immersed in that corporate culture and can’t help but buy into it at some level, even if made skeptical by all they witness (e.g. “Maggie turned the slip of paper around and placed it back on the shelf, face down. Someone had surrounded the 10 suggestions pinned to the corkboard with blue Chiquita Banana stickers. She smiled, imagining Emanuel as the culprit, surely trying to a get a rise out of Clark. But thinking of them like that made her sad again. She did have hope, despite herself. It had to be possible, at least for some of them. Her managers all had started out just like her. She recalled Mr. D’s description of their frightened faces during orientation. Look at them now, she thought. She’d make it. And when she got there, she would do things differently. Her friends might become disappointed in her now. But she would make it up to them later, and, in the end, they would be grateful for what she had to do.”)
One thing that I am wondering about though, is the position/authority of the author in regards to this setting/population. Coming from a small town where Walmart is the main employer, the setting and the preoccupations of the characters here don’t sit not quite right with me. It’s more like what a liberal coastal city person concerned with labor relations, who may have visited a Walmart once or twice would imagine, rather than a real place. There is definitely care and interest for the people, but they don’t feel genuine. I wonder if this is the author’s story to tell.
I think to address that last point, you could try to recast these ideas into a situation that is more familiar to you (which may be hard/ not possible in this particular story). If you are going to stick to the current events and setting, maybe do a little more research on the place and population it portrays. Also consider having a close third, or better still, first-person narrator, instead of an omniscient narrator who dips in close to the various characters at times. Even if you do it just as an exercise that might force you to embody and empathize with one of the characters and handle their concerns a little more carefully.
J.P.
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Dear Amanda,
It was so cool to get to read your story after talking about it the other night (by the way, the hangover was totally worth it).
I enjoyed many moments of the story. For example, the part where Emanuel and Clark seem to finally be in potential trouble for their mischief and are considering the possible consequences. I loved that Mr. D’s deliberations about their situation reproduced a cool version of the prisoner’s dilemma and how in the end, they both end up agreeing that they can’t trust each other and conclude that the only logical option is to choose option 1, where both tell on each other and proclaim their own innocence, even if that is a sub optimal strategy. That resonates nicely with both the anti-union and the free-will discussions that come earlier.
I love the echoes of our favorite book (which I was delighted to find out in our conversation the other night). I wonder if more could be made of it. For example, maybe the workers can organize an impromptu Thanksgiving snack dinner (since they have to miss most/all of the holiday) (cf. Woland’s ball in the novel, it could be somehow “hosted” by Mr. D. and Maggie). I don’t know, just more little things like that, as the reference is maybe too subtle right now. I did think about it more since we talked and you are right, the whole thing can be very interesting. I particularly like the fact that in both your story and M&M, characters talk themselves into not seeing whatever contradicts the ideology they are surrounded by, though the ideologies themselves are (somewhat) reversed (atheism/ casual Christianism, communism/capitalism, etc). I do wonder though, if I can really access all of that on the page. I feel like what I am seeing here is partially (or entirely) only visible because we talked about this explicitly the other night. Something to think about.
Speaking of the devil, a totally random, but maybe helpful reference: I am reading this book (not a novel, an academic work on political theology). It compares the neoliberal world view to a theology and talks about how the idea of freedom is used to assign the source of evil to individual choices (i.e., we are all given just enough choice to be deemed responsible for the bad stuff). It may be an interesting read given what we talked about the other day.
Let’s grab another beer and talk more about it soon?
Love,
Erin
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Amanda’s Story (“Idle Hands”) - Critique by Robert (Nice to see your work again!)
I enjoyed some of the relationships between the characters here. The shy romance is touching and Emanuel and Clark are funny at times (I chuckled at that black cat scene). But here is what I thought: most of the characters/ relationships feel gestural to me. There is a seed of something interesting there, but it feels schematic. I think what’s happening is that this story is mainly interested in ideas rather than the particulars of these characters. But because you tried to give them some meat, but didn’t go all the way, the story is hovering somewhere in between: not fully developing the characters nor the ideas.
But that is not to say that all is lost! I feel that the solution is in there, staring us in the face (just like Mr. D when he is being creepy!): the memos. The memos (including the ten “friendly suggestions”) were my favorite part of this piece. As they are, they provide a good way for upper management (who don’t belong in this place, different social class, reality, etc.) to dictate things without taking over the story. But I also like the idea of having this artifact as a potential mediator for the ideas. (Plus, consider there must be a reason why epistolary writing consistently pokes its head out and remains popular over the years). I am reading this book which is completely told via letters (from a creative writing professor to a committee), which got me thinking: what would happen if the whole thing happened in memos? You may have to shelve some of the threads (which I think you should anyway), but it could be interesting and may solve some of your problems. I think you should give it a shot. Also, have you read Fakes?
Some good kernels in here. Looking forward to seeing where you take it.
Thanks!
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Dear Amanda,
I like how grounded this felt compared to your other stories. This kind of thing may be something you keep working on, even if you end up going back to that meta-stuff you like. I am a big believer of learning the rules before you break them. And I think here you may be taking steps in learning how to tell a more conventional story.
I enjoyed the romance between the two employees. I just wanted to get a little more on both Maggie and Matt. Why do they work at Walmart? What is their home life like? What makes them tick individually?
Having said that, I was still a little confused during much of the story. I wasn’t sure about the function of the memos and all those conversations about hypotheticals. But most of all, I just wasn’t sure what was physically happening a lot of the time. Was that because Emanuel and Clark were high? That doesn’t quite jibe with my experience (what drugs are they on exactly?). Did the cat talk? Was the business with the goldfish real? How did that work exactly? Where is all of that taking place within Walmart? I think the common theme here is that in revision you should take a look at how you handle both time and space. I think you were feeling your way around the story, but what is really sticking is Maggie and Matt. And that’s where the language is naturally giving more sensory detail.
I also love Mr. D. He is cute and likeable and despite my realistic fiction preferences, I love a good old Devil figure in a story. I wonder if more could be done with him though. If given a little bit more room, he could steal the show (in a good way). But even in its current form, it made me wonder: if Mr. D is the Devil, are the Waltons God?
Best Regards,
Ana
Ananda Lima is the author of Mother/land (Black Lawrence Press, 2021), winner of the Hudson Prize, and four chapbooks: Vigil (Get Fresh Books, 2021), Tropicália (Newfound, 2021), Amblyopia (Bull City Press, 2020), and Translation (Paper Nautilus, 2019). Her work has appeared in The American Poetry Review, Poets.org, Kenyon Review Online, Gulf Coast, Poet Lore, Poetry Northwest, Pleiades, and elsewhere. She has been awarded the inaugural Work-In-Progress Fellowship by Latinx-in-Publishing, sponsored by Macmillan Publishers, for her fiction manuscript-in-progress. She has an MA in Linguistics (UCLA) and an MFA in Creative Writing (Rutgers-Newark).
